To experience loss by means of death is like trying to fight a game wherein you have no control over it. Moreover, you already know that you are slowly losing the game. My aunt who has cancer died a month ago. We weren’t shocked since we already know how serious her cancer was. But still, the pain and sadness will continue to linger on. I don’t know how true premonitions can be but a few days before my aunt’s death, a student of mine and I were discussing the story in a book regarding postponing death. I never thought of it as a sign.
Then a few days later, my aunt died. This made me thought about what the doctors told us, that she’s gonna die last December and how sad it would be for all of us since she wouldn’t be there with us to celebrate it. We spent the holidays in Bicol and were able to visit my aunt. She was okay. So I thought that maybe the doctors were wrong. After the holidays, we came back to Manila and then, a month later, my mom called and told us that my aunt passed away. I really don’t believe that a person could postpone his/her death. But in my aunt’s case, I guess that it is true so that would mean that the story in my student’s book could also be true. We were all devastated.
They say that if you’ve experienced loss, you will experience victory afterwards. I don’t know if it’s true but I think it could be. I wasn’t really expecting that I could finish my thesis this year and be a centennial graduate of UP. But I am happy that I am. After two years of doing and trying to finish my thesis, I have been tested up to the brink of my existence and yet I was able to survive. I went through a lot and I do admit I came to a point wherein I just want to stop, leave everything behind and just try something else. I even came to a point wherein I referred to my course as a ‘curse.’ Well, you will surely think of absurd and stupid things when you felt like giving up. But I thought that there is a reason why I have to have this course and go through what I’ve been through. So I’ve decided to stick with it and just fight my way to get to the finish line. I must say I’ve grown more maturely during those two years.
If we could only do something to make her live longer. But I also thought that maybe she has already served her purpose here in this world. As I grow older, I learn new things and that is good. What is sad though is the fact that as I grow old, people older than me are getting older as well and would eventually leave this world. But that’s part of life. That is, in fact, the cycle of life.
Now, I am just so thankful to God, my family and my friends who gave me the strength and stood by my side all the way. I guess two years ago was not the right time for me to graduate. As simple as that. I may not know what the reasons are exactly but I already have a few hunches. I’ve been praying to God to give me a second chance to make things right again and he did. Now, I guess, it’s up to me what to do with that second chance. One thing’s for sure though, that I’m gonna use it for good.
Keep on striving!
(This article was written year 2008.)