Free and Forgiven

“God breaks us apart so we can be whole in Him.”

Far too often read and said in any faith-motivating speech or article. And yet I only got to take in the gist of it all now in this season.

God breaks our hearts open so we could become vulnerable. It is through our vulnerability that we become aware of our weaknesses. In our weaknesses we then become aware that we need a God who will help us overcome them weaknesses.

In this moment of vulnerability we are put in a crucial spot of choosing whether to let the enemy deceive us and win or choose God and be guided.

Oftentimes the enemy’s powerful weapon is deception and his perfect tool to accomplish it is your past. Sometimes your past will come again just before your eyes. And you have two things in your hand:

1. You let it destroy your present by feeling guilty and shameful once again.


2. You can choose to dismiss it because you are now free and forgiven – if you have been saved already.

I must say I was bordering number 1 to the point that my faith began to slacken. Fear overtook and then it just dawned on me that I haven’t attended church for a while now due to commitments, a busy schedule and  a lot of intervening factors that I didn’t see them coming including the conflicts in my personal relationships that aggravated the disconnect in faith.

But God is faithful. He doesn’t give you something wherein that something will be of no good use to you. He sometimes uses them in circumstances that you least likely expect. I shared to my fiance the feeling of disconnection I have lately and that I feel I am not entitled to be in church anymore because my old self is coming back and he was also a witness of that. He has seen the kind of rage I used to have and the old bad habits overtaking me for the most part.

Yet it was him that I least expect to say that “the more that we have to go to church.” And I was shocked to hear it coming from him. Definitely not him whom I am urging to join a bible study group and a one to one discipleship so he would be born again but he declined saying it is not yet the perfect time. Not him whom I consider as not yet a devoted believer based on my own standards.

And yet again, God made me realize at that moment that my fiance is also my brother in Christ because he is His precious child too. It is not for me to judge why he has been given to me or whether he is the 1 or from the 99.

We went to church and once again I felt refreshed and renewed. But came more pressing issues, the wedding. Ideally, the engagement period should last for 6 months utmost according to the Marriage Preparation Seminar we attended in church. And this month is our 6th month as a couple. The temptation is getting strong but we cannot pull off a church wedding this year. Came another option – have a civil wedding.

But my constant question came out of fear – “Will I forever be unequally yoked?” There is no more turning back after the wedding – it is the real deal. They say that a husband/wife can make or break you. He wasn’t able to join a group in church whom he can consider as his spiritual family through his fellow brothers in Christ before we get married.

I was beginning to lose hope in connecting him with a spiritual family who would help him foster a deeper relationship with the Lord. Because I know I can never change Him and all God can through a spiritual family. It will never be enough that we attend church.

And while I was brooding over the options we have, asking God, praying to God, came a thought that never ever crossed my mind until now. When we get married, I will no longer be attending my bible study group with fellow single sisters in Christ but will be joining a couples’ bible study group. Chances are high that he will be attending it with me. Because he knows how vital it is for me to attend a bible study group and I plan to have it before our usual church service. And that answers my question.

There is still hope that he will be saved. 

And having this in mind, I can only shout praises of honor and glory to Him. Indeed, my little, human mind will never ever grasp God’s bigger plans and what is to come. I can only wait when He instructs and reveals all in His perfect time. I asked him a couple days ago if he is interested to join a couple’s bible study group and he said, “yes.” And for now, what I can only do is continue praying that God will keep His beautiful promises for us both as a couple and that we may grow spiritually together along and through other fellow couples in Christ. 🙂

Indeed, the way that every person is saved is very different from the other. I was so clueless before and so focused on the problem that I never noticed God is showing me there is ALWAYS hope through Jesus Christ who is the way, the truth and the light. And now I understand too why when I had my bible study group for fellow single sisters in Christ, I have a co leader. She will be taking in charge of the group when the right time comes for me to leave the group. It will be heartbreaking but I am also praying I get to keep my fellowship with them even if I’m in a new season already.

I was in utmost humility as I suddenly remembered this verse all through this:

Matthew 8:26

” Jesus responded, “Why are you afraid? You have so little faith!” Then He got up and rebuked the wind and waves, and suddenly there was a great calm.”

Indeed, I have so little faith and yet I am always and forever will be grateful God is faithful, He gives me PEACE, He provides me EVERYTHING and never fails in keeping His promises. His LOVE endures forever though I do not deserve it. It is time I grow my faith bigger in this season. I have read in Rick Warren’s book that we have to set aside our own personal agenda and focus on loving other people more not looking on who they were and who they are now but rather on who they can be.

I cannot tell for certain what I know is what will happen. For I cannot see the plans of God. And yet it is just comforting to know that God is and will be with me along the way. He just not give me signs and verses from the Scripture but importantly, I can feel that the Spirit is leading the way. I know that like how Jesus completed His mission, so too are we going to carry our own “cross.” And what I have shared may be what I have to carry for now. The following verses reminded me that:

Matthew 16:24 NLT

“Then Jesus said to His disciples, “If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross, and follow me.”

Matthew 7:14 NLT

“But the gateway to life is very narrow and the road is difficult, and only a few ever find it.”

And an even GREATER reminder – OBEDIENCE:

1 Samuel 15:22 NLT

“But Samuel replied, “What is more pleasing to the Lord : your burnt offerings and sacrifices or your obedience to His voice?

Listen! Obedience is better than sacrifice, and submission is better than offering the fat of rams.”

I believe this is what God meant to be really free and forgiven. And I can only pray that I’d be successful in completing the mission of glorifying Him, making Him known until the time comes I can also say that “it is finished.” 🙂


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